What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 00:43
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im still living with it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My family never makes their pension either.
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So, i spoilt her more .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I will be 64.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We all went to grammer schools
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Put me off passion for life!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When she asked me how she looked .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I said to her
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
One cannot live in the past .
But it wasn’t much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My life is so biszare .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I write beautiful poetry .
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He knew the spot.
What did i know ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I waited trembling.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was very sick at this time too.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was seconnd youngest,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was in good health!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Would this be the day?
Ive learnt so much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But, we were locked up after school.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Who then, do I blame.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So whats the point in blame.
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .